By now it’s probably all over the news. You know, how Kamelia and Sashanna, the youngest sisters of a celebrated Horde hero and an Alliance general went AWOL. I hear both Alliance and Horde are hunting them. I hear that the Argent Crusade is doing damage control. Rumor has it, even the Scarlet Crusade are hoping to cash in on a potential “hostage situation”.
Oh don’t worry. Uncle’s got it covered. Uncle Speedy always got it covered. That’s why I was sent to Silvermoon, to babysit the young lovers. I don’t mind. Comfy beds, good food and bowls of Bloodthistle I don’t even need to pay for. Oh, and you know – a lot of blood elves have a thing for goblin darlings. I just keep an eye out for any bounty hunters … and if someone shows up. Well.
People know me as “the Dispatcher”.
(It’s my uncle who thought of it. I haven’t actually killed that many. By the time I’ve been able to fumble out a dagger in each hand the bad guy is already venting his, or hers, brain through the skull. I don’t know how it happens. Or who puts the hole in them. I don’t care. Uncle is probably paying some elf assassin pretty decent money to keep the “darling duo” safe. Me? Well, I’m getting cred. That’s cool – ’cause a goblin needs cred.)
I knew they needed help the very second I saw them. What can I say? I’m a nice gal, alright? “Kam and Sash” is the thing that happens once in a lifetime that makes your lonely romantic heart skip a beat. Straight out of a novel but in real life! Sure, my third cousin Bixby would probably have sold them out. Not me, though. Uh-uh. Uncle knows I’m a softie. I’m not like other goblins, you know. Me, I’ve got a beating heart for Love, dollface.
You won’t believe what happened next.
you know, I’ve always said this, I have. I read a lot. Well ok, mostly it’s those romantic novels on cheap paper because they don’t contain too complic.. compu… hard. Words. But I read a lot. I know this, ok?
Even the dead know that Love is All (“Icecold Passion”, a story about a ghoul). There are stories of night elves, in long forgotten Auberdine, desperately trying to hold on to Love (I read that in a history book and cried for several seconds). There are stories of orcs, in Aszhara, desperately trying to rekindle what was lost in their own peculiar way. Yeah, well, that was told to me by a crying grunt who said he had been there. I don’t know if it’s true or not. It happened before the Cataclysm, up in Aszhara. Word of advice: Hiring mercenaries to kill the woman that scorned you don’t improve your chances for a future relationship.
Love. Aaah, if I only knew what it was … but I’m kinda the third wheel, you know. Sure I sold “love”, but that was not the love I saw in those eyes. So there I was, a rather experienced lovemaker if I say so myself, seated next to the darlings. So I watched their eyes – uncle always says “watch the eyes, kid. When one pulls, it’s always in the eyes before the bullets start flying.”
The blood elf was so infatuated she didn’t even see me. The draenei was so shiny I swear her forehead came to light – and she didn’t even notice! Then they touched, just fingertips, and I damned near gasped like they did. That breath. It was so … it was so beutiful. I kinda wanna know what it would be like, you know. Getting all “haa-aaah!” on that first touch. Yeah I saw it all. It’s because of me those dolls eloped. Sorry!
Just, you know. A gals gotta do what a gals gotta do.
Few people are as open to the prospect of love as goblins. No it’s true! We’re a very romantic race. It’s a simple matter of economics: If you feel the love, find someone that loves you back and you can kick up your feet and smoke cigars while others work. Like my uncle and his Trixxie. Once, when he kinda did a bad and poisoned a whole town – just a fiscal mistake, ok!? – there was that cake. Anyway.
Aww, don’t make that face! That’s how it is! You know it. I know it. Everyone with knees made of jelly and a stomach full of
(could it be beans?)
butterflies knows it. Gals know it, you know where. Gents know it where – yeah, you can probably figure it out. I never felt it as such, but I have “high standards”. Look, I like diamonds, ok?
Gonna cost you to make me wet, partner. I mean, uh … I mean – to love you. See, I’m a bit the black sheep. I kinda want to land on my feet before I put them up and smoke cigars. Afterwards. I’m not like my cousin.
My cousin Vinnie had to wear baggy pants for six weeks because he couldn’t find the courage to ask Arkok the Butcher out on a date. Sure, Vinnie was a slum guy and Arkok was a Kor’Kron (he switched sides when Vol’Jin offered better pay and six days vacation a month). They met in a bar, hiding from the Alliance Rampage. Truth be told Arkok was a butcher – he just kinda got drafted into the army. Anyway. Let’s just say that his polearm made Vinnie’s mouth water.
(Mum can’t get over it, but she’s “traditional”. It’s goblin or bust. Vin and Ark are pretty cool. They run a “antique weapons” store in Dalaran these days.)
“Uncle” Speedy knows everything about love. More importantly, he knows what young lovers need. Wanna know what young lovers need? Uh-huh, thought ya would.
They need selfie cameras.
Right. So here’s how it happened: A blood elf in inherited armor walks into my uncles place in Booty Bay to get out of the rain. A draenei, carrying an Ironforge Mk II .50 cal shotgun loaded with buckshot and a sixth solid cartridge, like the way you do if you know your way around automatics and walks into a bar filled with goblin and tauren pirates … oh wow. I lost myself.
Guns make me giddy with excitement. I once met a human who was packing almost twenty inche… anyway!
Yeah ok, so the horney girl was a real looker. I would have gone up to her myself if her raptor hadn’t been whispering “do you feel lucky, punk” as soon as a pirate came three feet from her booty. Lemme tell ya, a mighty fine booty it was too! no wonder the raptor was protective of it. I could have pinched that all night long. Yeah, I’m a draenei in spirit. It’s just my body that’s small, green and greedy.
So things got weird. The blood elf just ruffled the raptors feathers and called it “a good boy”. The raptor said “I like your hair”. Raptor are real charmers. Then the blood elf glanced at horney girl … and then time stopped.
She came out of my uncles office right that second – and time stopped. I have no idea how long it lasted. I couldn’t move, but I could see and breath. I remember everyone frozen in place except Kamelia, the blood elf, and Sashanna, the draenei. They could still move. And Chromie, of course.
“You two will do stuff for me,” Chromie said.
“Like what?” Kamelia said.
“Oh, you know … ” Then Chromie giggled.
Ugh. I really hate gnomes giggling! Especially when they’re not gnomes at all!
Like seriously? I reallt wish uncle could do business with anyone but the Chromes. Heck, I’d take Cult of the Damned over the Chromes any day! Like, you know, you ever fucked a Timewalker? Uh-huh, thought not. It feels like three minutes but it was monday when you got paid and sixtynine positions later it’s friday and the asshole still grunts “I’m so close, so close!”. It’s a good thing I keep a mechanical (gnome constructed) meter going. Otherwise I would be pretty poor.
(Uncle don’t like my sideshow but a girl has needs. It’s not my fault no one in Booty Bay can keep up with my … wassaword … libido!)
Next thing I know, everything comes back. I’m seated at a table with the darlings and Love is in the Air. Then they touch – and Chromie, warming her hands at the fireplace, says:
“I think you should ask your uncle for one of the cameras. And the file we agreed on.”
I hate dragons.