(I deleted the monk, Ravenna, the other day. I have tried and failed. Monk is my most hated class. Instead I went for the next best leather thing; Rogue. Now … see, here’s my problem: There are no draenei rogues. So I had to create a ‘draenei in spirit’ rogue. That’s when I thought of … mogu technology. I mean – someone must have found all that stuff in Throne of Thunder, right? And puti t to use? Likely with an acoutrement of green smoke.
If you ever wondered what happens when you decide on a race change – or, for that matter, class change – this might give some insight. You see, in spirit, Ravennah the night elf rogue is still a draenei.
She just don’t look draenei.
This story contains a gnome, a goblin and a mysterious human.
You have been warned.)
– – – – – –
“This thing on!?” Echoing across the frozen plain. “Right, it is! Goblin titan artifact repurposing unit assisting Gnomeregan Engineers fiftysecond reg Tee! No one ever say Speeds don’t get the contract, amiriite, right!? Yeah, so! Tee I Subject: Zero! Zero! One! Dash! Nine! Six! Five! Fo– seriously, you gnomes need all these numbers!? You do? Huh. Four! Eight! Nine! Nine! Ravennah, be a doll and … Enter the Blast Chamber!”
Ravennah heard it loud and clear but she didn’t move. For almost two minutes everyone was quiet. Spaz Fizzlefuse was silent. The junior engineers were quiet. Even the poisonous blobs were quiet.
Echoing across the frozen plain. A voice. There was a high-pitched but polite gnomeadding: “Please?” The voice was somewhat frantic and nervous. “I know you volonteered and we can’t ask you to move your behind any fast–”
(“Mighty fine ass to it is,” the goblin interjected)
“–er but … Well yes, absolutely. You know, Speeds, I’ve often wondered what it would be like to, you know, get some. With one of those. I’m prone to probing the behind of certain subjects of my … anyway!”
Ravennah decided not to get angry. There was other things on her mind. Most of all the eighteen feet wide black hole in the plain, a hole from which a thick stream of green smoke was rising. The hole was surrounded by heavy metal blast plates set up in some sort of pattern that probably was important. How she didn’t know.
“Ya like I mean like absolutely like totally sure this like be safe, guys!?” she screamed, just to be certain that the ‘researchers’ in their blast chamber across the frozen fields of New Tinkertown would hear her. “I mean it’s like green smoke’n’all ya kno’!?”
“Yeah, dollface!” the voice exploded across the fields. “Safe as a paladin in a house of lewd ladies!”
“Is that a metaphor for sexual pleasures?” the pitched voice said, the tone being honest and extremely curious. “Mind telling me where to find this lovely locale? Are there draenei there? I wasn’t asked to storm the portal, oh no, they didn’t think I would be of much use you see, and I mean just because my cousin Millhouse got … Well,… never mind. Let’s focus, shall we!?”
“Right doll!” the goblin echoed across the plain. “It’s safe! There’s a horny gnome in my booth so get a move on or you’re fired!”
“We can’t fire her. She volonteered and I don’t think we will find anyone stupid e- I mea–”
“IT GETS IN THE MACHINE OR ELSE IT WON’T GET PAID!!!” a human voice exploded through a bullhorn across the desolation of a poisonous field. “Please!” Then, as if the speaker forgot the bullhorn, there was a short and angry “damned blueskins, always talking ba– is this thing still on?”
“Yeah,” the goblin said. “Oh now you’ve done it! She’ll go all vindicator on us!”
But, alas, she didn’t.
There was another tense pause. Minutes dragged by. Important things kept happening on screens and strange apparatuses. Speedy Paddlefeet didn’t konw what any of it meant. He just swallowed hard and whiped his brow. The test subject was currently not moving on the other side of the lake. He waited, but nothing happened. So he leaned back fast, covering the mouthpeace of the bullhorn with the palm of his hand and whispered to himself:
“Come o-ooon, girl!”
“I wish she would turn around … ” Sizzle the gnome said in a sort of far away, dreamy tone. His eyes had glazed over, as if he was lost in a daydream. “Dat ass … ”
On the other side of the field of death, Ravennah tried to convince herself to go forth. After all – wasn’t this an adventure? She had longed for a good adventure! Stacking boxes of supplies for heroes set out on a supposed suicide mission had, in fact, been pretty boring. So when a goblin showed up in Goldshire (she went there for drinks and ‘recreation’) and offered her a deal of a lifetime she jumped on it. Without thought.
Now, well … Now she knew what he wanted.
In the blast chamber, Speedy started to sweat even though it was below freezing and he wore nothing but a knitted linen vest and leather hot pants (those kept his important parts warm; it was a goblin thing). He pleaded with her, silently in his own mind. Go! Go!
She had to move! Everything depended on her moving, going down the tunnel they had bored with the help of dark iron tunnelers that Speedy also had ‘aquired’ (don’t ask how). Engineer Sizzlefuse – a gnome, despite his goblinesque name – was in charge, sure. But it was Speedy, the Booty Bay goblin trader, who had “aquired” the prototype. Suffice to say he had ‘come across it’ somewhere in or around Halls of Origination. Of course he didn’t tell the test subject! He was a very smart goblin!
On the other side of the frozen, toxic lake, Ravennah sighed. This was indeed a really bad idea … She didn’t mind the cold (even though she wore nothing but her underwear). She did mind that bit about not getting paid. She had been promised two thousand gold upon completion of a ‘simple but intriguing experiment’. That was a lot of money – especially for someone who didn’t want to write a letter to a sister, once again. A letter starting with a ‘Dear Shu, I am writing in hope of you being able to extend a small sum of money to me … “. There had been a lot of those letters. The latest reply had been short. A single syllable word on a very cheap postcard from Pandaria: NO.
She had never been any good with money. Desperation and defiance – that was probably the main reason she was here. A single step was all that stood between her and a large some of money. So she took a deep breath …
She trod on something. It went ‘Squish’. Next thing she knew she was covered in foul green sludge. It itched. It smelled bad. She stumbled forward, tripping on a piece of ancient debris – and went head first down the hole with a short and suprised scream.
Then there were smoke.
She didn’t know how long she was unconscious. The one thing she did know was a worried goblin voice muttering “Oh now you’ve done it!”. Then a frantic gnome voice wheezing “What happens in Gnomer stays in Gnomer!”.
She emerged from the smoke. Slowly, every step a calculated movement, as if she had been transformed into something else, something that was still unused to walking. Then there was another voice. It was her voice. It said:
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!?”
There was a pause. Then Speedy said, as he gently started to back up against a wall: “Will there be blood?”
“Count on it,” Ravennah said.