When worlds collide – How I met my paladin

char_image

“This is an image. It’s believed to catch your attention.”

(Inspired by a breakfast topic on WoW Insider.)

“Right, Shu,”
“Shuanna. My name is Shuanna. Only Vass calls me Shu. And the dead one.”
“Yeah, so anyway! Welcome to Earth! Let me show you how some of us enjoy ourselves! This is how we play World of Warcraft. You ready?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Ok, this button here … ‘§’, wi… ok, you just hit the keyboard with your mace.”
“Oh.”
“Ok, uh … Right!”

*replace keyboard*

“You see that drawing on the brightly lit painting in front of you? The painting is called a ‘screen’ or ‘monitor’. It’s hooked up to this machine here, wic… oh, allright, you just dropped a holy hammer of light from out of nowhere on my computer, babe. Ouw!”

*later*

“I thought you never would wake up.”
“That mace of yours really, I mean it really hurts! Now I feel sorry for all those murlocs and ordon …”
“Phah!”
“Where’s my aspirins. Oh God, I’m bleeding from my ears. That can’t be good! Shu, call 911!”
“NINE! ONE! ONE!”
“No! Don’t call nine one one. On that … magical device. There. Press those buttons. Please, I think you cracked my skull. I can feel my brain throbbing. It hurts …”

“I didn’t hit you that hard … just, you know, a normal one. We call it a white hit.”
“I’m … going … to … fa…”

*light*

“Whoa. What the hell was that!?”
“I healed you.”
“But … What about ER? Bandages? All the stuff?”
“Eh. Light protect you.”
“So, uh … This healing thing, does it also come with a hard-on? Ouw!”
“Stop looking at my boobs, nitwit!”
“Sorry.”
“You should be.”
“They’re just, I mean … I’m a guy and … well allright, I am a feminist a–”
“What’s that?”
“What?”
“Fem… inist?”
“Oh, uh, it basically means that some people think of females as people. Other don’t.”
“Like people who stare at my breasts.”
“Yeah, exa– what? No! Ouw!”
“Oh hey, this is fun! What’s in this little yellow square. Why’d you call it ‘boring’. Oh. Ooh! Uhm … Oh.”
“Never mind that.”
“So this is how you … earthlings … procreate?”
“Uh … not exactly.”
“What?”
“Contrary to popular belief, you can’t get pregnant from a facia… Oh now I’ve done it!”
“Done what?”
“It’s on the internet now! Everyone will know!”
“Know what? That you’re a fem… inist?”
“Not quite.”
“I don’t understand this world.”
“None of us do, Shu. That’s why we kill each other because of how we look, or what we believe in.”
“I’m confused. And you don’t even have murlocs.”
“So, uh, anyway! Stop looking through my porn, you rascally paladin!”
“Oh, but this is … oh, I never done that!”
“No?”
“Well there was this blood elf who asked me once in Dalaran but I had had a heavy meal of beans a few hours earlier a–”
“Oh God … ”
“What?”
“Oh nothing. Nothing at all.”
“Tauren don’t mind a bit of gas, you know.”
“Ok, you know what? I’m very uncomfortable with this topic right now, so why don’t we stick to teaaching you how to play World of Warcraft, allright?”
“Ok!”

*smirk*

“Oh my, you got a lot of these moving pictures in this … folder.”
“Shu!”
“Sorry. just curious!”
“Bad draenei!”
“Well it appears you have a thing for bad girls, mr righteousness.”
“I … uh … Anyway!”
“Oops, looks like I beat up Garrosh.”
“Wait what!?”
“Uh-huh. Oh, isn’t that sweet. He gave me a token or his gloves!”
“But … that … I … wait, was that on heroic?”
“Not sure. What does 25 HC mean?”
“Oh God … ”
“Right, Im not sure who this ‘God’ is you’re praying to everytime I do something you thought I couldn’t do, so what is this … God?”
“It’s … uh … something that we humans have been fighting over for the last 3000 years.”
“Is it an old god?”
“No … not exactly. It’s just. You know. God. you know?”
“You don’t sound very smart now, I’m just saying.”
“I have an intellect of 119, thank you very much!”
“Yet you insist on staring at my breasts.”
“They’re ni– ouw!”
“Should I press this symbol?”
“Please.”
“And this line? The one? Two times?”
“Please.”
“Hi, this is Shuanna of the Exodar, Kingslayer, Firelord, Flame Warden and … excuse me? No, I do not know what ‘Russia’ is? Why do you … my accent? It’s a perfectly fine draenei – hello? Hello? Huh.”
“What ..? My head … You maced me, Shu … Help … ”
“I think they … what was that you said before … ah. They hung up on me.”
“Oh God.”
“Need a light?”
“Please.”

 

*Mental note: Don’t ever let a paladin sift through your folders!*

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