The Server – A parody


The Wow Insiders Community Blog Topic, Would you play on an expansion specific server?, asks that straight forward question. My humble opinion is – I wouldn’t. I started playing World of Warcraft towards the end of the Burning Crusade and I still remember the harrowing experience. I might add I never made it to level 70 until Wrath of the Lich King had been going for well over a month. The Burning Crusade was just painfully slow.

I can’t say much about it, other than it would be a waste of time and resources to develop specific servers for specific expansions. In all likelyhood there would just be a handful of nostalgia seekers staying put, once the initial interest has died down. Maintaining servers for a miniscule minority just for the sake of Old Times would be bad for the whole franchise. It’s a dead idea – something Blizzard themselves has stated time and time again (in less provocative words of course).

The question of expansion specific servers did spawn a spoof script, so there’s at least some good in the idea. Enjoy.

- – - – -

Player 1 and 2 enters the Expansion Specific Outlet, where you order anything from a new class to a new playable race. Anything that is available, that is.

Player 1: “I’m so stoked! I’m gonna love ganking noobs in BGs, just like old skool Alterac, man!”
Player 2: “Yeah, and I’m gonna raid. I’m gonna raid my heart out!”
Player !: “High five?”
Player 2: “High Five, bro!”

The slap their hands and walk up to a salesmans counter, laughing and jesting.

Player 1: “Hi, man!”
“Salesman: “Hello, young man.”
Player 1: “So, uhm … I’m gonna go for that BC server, right. So I want something cool.”
Salesman: “Paladins, can’t go wrong with blood elf paladins.”
Player 1: “I want a death knight, cause they’re like, cool, yeah?”
Salesman: “Sorry, no death knights.”
Player 1: “You mean you’re out?”
Salesman: “Never had any. Want a shaman instead?”
Player 1: “What you mean ‘never had any’? I’ve been playing like, well, like ages, right. Like since ICC. My mains a death knight, sure you got ‘em.”
Salesman looks around. “Uhm … No. Nope. No deathies.”
Player 1: “Don’t bullshit me man!”
Saleman: “I’m certainly not bullshitting you. This is the Burning Crusade. There are no death knights.”
Player 2: “Dude, he’s right, yao. They like got deathies in Lich King, y’know.”
Player 1: “Damnit! Ok, uhm … Give me a warrior then. A goblin warrior! That’s so cool!”
Salesman: “No goblins.”
Player 1: “What!? There’s like – tons of them! In Ratchet, other places!”
Salesman: “Those are non playable characters. Perhaps you want a draenei instead? Draeneis are cute.”
Player 1: “Aw c’mon! My buddy Jake’s got a goblin warrior! He’s been playin’ since like … Cataclysm.”
Salesman: “Again, young man. This is the Burning Crusade. There are no goblins
Player 1: “I … Ah what the frack, ok, a gnome then. Can I get it at level 90? I’m sort of in a rush to a BG and stuff.”
Salesman: “We only have level 1, sorry. You need to get it to 70 yourself.”
Player 1: “What!?”
Player 2: “Dude, Burning Crusade level cap was, like, 70. Y’know?”
Saleman: “Your friend is right. Now, will that be a subscription for four or five monnths?”
Player 1: “Give me that 7 day pass, that should be enough. Like, 70 levels will go snap, right. Just pop some looms, the guild xp bonus, the DF hats.”
Salesman: “Did you want a level 70?”
Player 1:: “Uh-huh.”
Salesman: “You want to go 10 levels per day for 7 days?”
Player 1: “Hey man, I’m like gonna be 70 tomorrow.”
Salesman: “No you won’t.”
Player 1: “Sure I will! Like I said, with looms a–”
Salesman: “No looms, sorry.”
Player 1: “No looms?”
Salesman: “No looms.”
Player 1: “What about guild buffs?”
Salesman: “Nu-uh. And no hats.”
Player 1: “But … But … But, what? I’m gonna have to level for like five months?”
Salesman: “You can do it in a months time, no problem. It’s the attunement, you see. The only way to gain access to raids are via a long and complicated process that requires a lot of time and effort. All so we know that You are a dedicated expert, an elite among peons. There’s a lot of nice rewards for it. Say, for instance, a chestpiece with more than 50 Strength.”

Player 1 laughs. Player 1 stops laughing when the Salesman gives a ‘smile’. That ‘I know something you don’t, young man’-smile. The smile of a grizzled veteran, who collected furry paws and batwings for a Darkmoon toy. The smile of someone who’s been through Hell – that is Molten core – over and over again. There’s a look in the salesmans eyes, void of life. A ten thousand yard stare. Eyes that have seen the terror of attunement – and conquered it. Eyes that chased down every single piece of nature resistance gear there was – or something similar. Eyes of someone who lived through the hellish times of looking like a clown.

Player 1 (in a low scared voice): “Ok … Give me a level 1 gnome warrior then. Can I have a protodrake as mount?”
Salesman: “Nope. You can get a Netherdrake after approximately 44 days. Of course, you need to be able to fly first. Would you like to pay 1.500 gold for a ground mount now or later?”
Player 1: “Don’t screw me, man. Mounts are like 20 gold or something.”
Salesman: “Not in the Burning Crusade they’re not.”
Player 1: “I can’t afford that right now.”
Salesman: “Then you won’t get a drake. You must be able to fly to accept the first quest of a long and convoluted quest line. You know, jus to start the grind.”
Player 1: “Ok, you know what? Screw your stupid game! I’m going back to Pandaria! At least that’s fun!”
Salesman: “Fun? Do you really think that World of Warcraft should be fun?”
Player 1: “It’s a game! Sure it should be fun!”
Salesman: “You go home now, boy. come back when you’ve grown a pair.”
Player 1: “What!?”
Salesman: You … ARE NOT PREPARED!!!”

About klokbok

Slightly bitter to the taste, aged 45, with an occasional writers itch and occasional writers block. It's almost Yin and Yang. Proffesional writer from Sweden involved in one of Swedens leading brands of roleplaying games. Social liberal feminist and a constant underdog. Avid World of Warcraft player with too much imagination. Some people claim I'm funny. Most people go "and you are?". View all posts by klokbok

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